Ms. Advice: The Life Expert With Style

Friendship with an Ex: Gray Area or Black and White?

2007-11-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. Advice,

One of my friends that I've known since 4th grade, I'm 24 now seems to have lost an interest in talking to me. He and I used to be really close, nearly inseparable, but now he ignores my messages and if I send him an e-mail doesn't reply. I'm not aware of saying or doing anything to upset him, and he hasn't given me solid indication that I have. If it matters he is my ex-boyfriend, we dated for 2 1/2 years in high school, but still remained friends even after he and I both got married and had families. I've considered him one of my closest friends for several years, but lately that seems to be slipping away. I'd hate to lose him as a friend, cause he was always a really supportive one. (we even had an agreement that no matter what we'll always love each other as friends and stay in touch) I can't help but feel a bit saddened lately; what should I do? Should I wait it out, or let it go? Should I try and find out what's been going on lately? Please Help!

-Friend in a Grey Area

Dear Grey Area,

It sounds like you shared some good times and important years of your life with this person. It also sounds like you both started to go on your separate paths by marrying other people and starting your own families. Let me ask you this, how would you feel if your husband had an ex-girlfriend who he kept in close contact with and was very, very, good friends with? It might make you feel uncomfortable, and maybe that is how your friend's wife feels. I wouldn't be surprised if your friend's wife has told him to back off a bit. Now, there is nothing wrong with men and women being friends! However, as years go by, sometimes life situations and interests change. It sounds like that has happened here. I wouldn't take this personally. Perhaps you should write your old friend a letter telling him that you have treasured your friendship but can accept that you both have your own lives and hope to still send cards at the holidays or talk maybe once a year. Just like when you clean out a closet, when you get rid of the old, you make room for the new. Moving on from this relationship will free up time and space in your life and make room for new friendships in your life. Best of luck to you, and let me know how it works out!

-Ms. Advice

There's something about Mary...

2007-11-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. Advice,

I live in a small apartment building where everyone knows each other. As a single woman living alone, I have always felt very safe in my neighborhood and my apartment. I get along well with everyone except a woman I will call Mary. She recently moved in next store, and at first she seemed very nice. We had coffee a few times and a few casual conversations. Until the morning she pounded on my door at 4 a.m. asking to borrow some cleaning supplies. I told her I was sleeping and to please not disturb me. The next day, she called and apologized, saying that sometimes she "sometimes gets crazy when she drinks." I told her I understand, and suggested she attend an AA meeting. Ever since then, a few times a week, she calls all night long or bangs on my door. She watches outside her window and calls me asking me where I am going and with who. One time when I told her I could not hang out, I heard her mutter, "an eye for an eye," and I don't know if that was a threat or not. I want to clarify that this all started after only hanging out with her like 3 times. I have politely told her that I am "very busy" and "very involved with some personal issues," yet she continues. I feel like she is stalking me! Mary is a young woman, and she looks very normal. She acts normally about 10% of the time, and she has not threatened me but she scares me. I am tempted to move.

-Weirded Out

Dear Weirded Out,

I don't blame you for being weirded out. I would be a little scared if I were you. This woman is obviously very lonely, probably doing more than just drinking, and sounds very mentally unstable. Perhaps she has borderline personality disorder or other serious mental problems. Since speaking with her has had little effect, I would bring this up with your landlord. However, it is very difficult (and not financially beneficial) for a landlord to kick someone else out, even if they are harassing other tenants. Getting a restraining order against a neighbor will not be very realistic, and if you pushed this legally you would likely only increase this woman's psychotic obsession with you. Starting now, keep a detailed log of every contact this woman makes with you. Save all voice mails she leaves you, just in case you need to take legal action. Remember, crazy comes in all forms! Just because she looks normal and is a woman doesn't mean she is not a menace to you. What would you do if this was a crazy-looking guy? If I was in your position, I would start looking for a new apartment.

Do I need a Vacation or a New Job?

2007-11-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. Advice,

I currently work what would be considered a great job. It is at a PR firm, and I got this job straight out of college. The thing is, I hate it! I am sick of my boss, the people I work with, and I don't know if it is just this company or PR in general. The only other thing I really love is playing piano. I am not good enough to be a professional pianist, and I don't want to work somewhere making less than I do now. Maybe I just need a vacation?

-Hating the Office, Loving my Paycheck

Dear Office,

You face a predicament many workers face: don't like your job, but of course you have to make a living. The first step I would suggest is, if you can swing it, take a vacation. Even if it is just a few days at your house eating ice cream and hanging out. Perhaps you do like your job, but just need a little break. While on your vacation (or long weekend) realize that most jobs give you a paycheck because they know you wouldn't be there for fun. However, you have three options: 1. stay at your job and try to move up the ladder there 2. try to move up the pr ladder into a new company 3. jump off the ladder and land into something new. So, you like music? What about being a music teacher? Or starting a piano-teaching business out of your home? Or working at a PR company that represents music industry clients? When you look at the situation as all the options you have versus being stuck at your job, it will be a more interesting search.

Should we break up before the holidays?

2007-11-08T23:51:00.000-08:00

This first question was asked to me by a friend. Feel free to email me about any topic and I will answer them to the best of my abilities. All questions will be answered!

Ms. Real Life,

I am ready to leave my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years, but I know it is not going to work. With the holidays, with our shared apartment and friends, this break-up couldn't come at a worse time. Should I wait until after the holidays and our apartment lease ends?

-Almost Ready to be Single

Dear Almost Ready,

So...how long is your lease together? Usually, the person who breaks up has to move out. If that is possible for you, and you wouldn't be leaving him in a lurch, try to break off sooner than later. The holidays are a stressful time as it is, and having to fake smiles and hide the secret from the person you are living with and you friends will only make it worse. Talk to your soon-to-be ex, and tell him where you stand. By flexible on when you can move out, but don't let it drag out. I have been in this situation before, and looking back, my only regret was that I didn't end it sooner.